


Before I Go

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-12 10:59:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16871692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: After years of fighting with illness, Reader decides to take her life into her own hands. - AUWarnings: Swearing, talking about death, illness and suicide, blood, sad





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my Tumblr: @nikky-the-writter

_Four months._

  
Ernest Hemingway once wrote: “Don’t you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you’re not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you’ve lived nearly half the time you have to leave already?”  
He was right, Hemingway was right all this time, although he wasn’t right for every single person. Some people live their fullest, they don’t have any limits, but others like you, they are aware of life, but they just can’t live it the fullest. People would tell you to experience life, but you had limits. 

They would just laugh, saying that your brain created them, but they didn’t know the truth. You wished that it has been just your brain. You spent your whole life going in and out of the hospital. You spent more time there than in the school that’s why your parents paid you a tutor. You’ve been sick for long as you know your name. You had cancer. There were hopeful days in your life and there were days when you couldn’t get out of your bed. But everything was better than the news you got almost four weeks ago. You are going to die, you were dying all this time, but it never felt this real. There weren’t even four months anymore, you spent three weeks lying in your bed crying. You never accomplished anything in your life that you wanted. You didn’t even know how to swim, but you decided to change that. You still had three months until your cancer completely spread and after it does you would be gone in a matter of a week maybe two. You didn’t want to go that way. You were born to experience life and the only way that you experienced it was through movies, but it’s unlikely that you could buy yourself more time with a spell from Harry Potter movies. Unlikely, but you can’t deny that you tried.  
˝Y/N, honey, are you coming? ˝ Your father called you, you wanted to scream no, but you had to tell them the news. They wouldn’t be able to stop, but you still wanted them to understand. Putting a warm hoodie over your head you headed to the kitchen where your dad and mom were already eating breakfast. You sat down in silence and your father looked at you, knowing the look on your face.  
˝What? ˝ Your mother looked up as you stared at your father.  
˝You look like you are going to ask me something. ˝  
˝Tony, leave her alone. ˝ Your mom was always in the middle of your fights. Fights weren’t stupid, but they couldn’t change anything. You would always fight about treatments and your dad was still angry at you when you said no to chemotherapy. You’ve been there years ago, but it didn’t help, it just made you sicker.  
˝No mom, he is right, but I won’t ask, I will tell you something. ˝  
˝Are you feeling alright? ˝ Your mom moved from her seat coming to your side. She placed her hands on your face to take a better look at you.  
˝I’m leaving. ˝ There was silence when the words left your mouth. Your father dropped the fork in shock, staring at you. He was glancing from you to your mother.  
˝Did you know? ˝ Your mother moved back to her seat while your father didn’t move his eyes from your face.  
˝Of course, not Tony. She won’t go anywhere. ˝  
˝I will. ˝ You were determined. You were sick of the same space where you lived, you needed a change.  
˝No˝ Your father calmly said like there was nothing more needed to say.  
˝Dad, you know that you can’t stop me. I am dying, but I’m not dead. And staying in this house will kill me before my time comes. ˝  
˝You think that you are so smart. Where will you go? Where will you stay? ˝ Tony stood from the chair, turning his back to you.  
˝I don’t need your money if that’s what you think. I have savings and I already found a place. ˝  
He turned back laughing bitterly. ˝Really Y/N, you are just going to leave and stay alone in the place you’ve never been? ˝  
˝Isn’t that good preparation for death? ‘Cause I didn’t know that you will be there or that you’re going with me. ˝  
˝Y/N˝ Your mother stood in shock, while your father was on the verge of tears.  
˝You know that I would follow you there. ˝ His lip was trembling as he said that.  
˝I don’t want you to. ˝ You placed your hands around his body hugging him tight and pulling your mother for a hug too. ˝I need this. At least just a month. ˝  
˝No… ˝ His voice was softer than before. ˝ You deserve to go. ˝  
˝Tony, you can’t.. ˝  
˝Pepper, she needs this. ˝ He turned his face back to you and he lifted your chin. ˝Here’s the deal. You’ll stay in our house on the beach in Cornwall and mom and I will stay in the city, we’ll find some place to stay, just in case you’ll need something. ˝  
You never thought that he would let you. They both were always next to you while you were growing up and now, they were finally letting you go to try to be on your own.  
˝Before you start thinking about packing, you have to see Bruce. He has to give you all the pills you will need. Until we come back. ˝  
˝There is a catch, I don’t want to go back, I want to die with the view on which God himself would be jealous. ˝  
˝Are you sure? ˝ Your mother kept her voice low and you nodded.  
˝I spent my whole life between walls, I don’t want to die like that. I’ll be responsible, I decided to spend around ten weeks living and what remains dying. We all know that it will be painful. When that time comes I don’t want you to be near. Dying will hurt me less than knowing that you have to watch your child die. Promise me. ˝  
˝Alright, alright, if that’s what you want. ˝ Your father said crying.

As you were telling them everything that you’ll do, you kept something away, a little lie. You were aware that when you lie to protect someone you only destroy them, but you knew them. You knew your parents if they knew the truth, they would feel responsible, but not saying it, they will have to accept your choice at the end.

* * *

buchh

 _You could hear his voice. He tried to sound calm, trying not to scare you. But you’ve been here before. You’ve been in his large office on the fifth floor of the private clinic where your father would take you. Your doctor wasn’t a bad man nor you saw him like it, but he sold you false hope. He unintentionally gave you a miracle, but you should’ve known better, nobody could save you._  
˝We were sure that we got everything out. It came back, Y/N, I’m sorry. ˝ Bruce, your doctor and your father’s friend said.  
˝You are sorry? So am I. I’m sorry for trusting you. ˝ He was hurt by your words. He removed his glasses, placing them on the table. You saw that his eyes were glossy, you knew that he felt worse than you after all he was your godfather. It’s actually not fair that those who are not sick, are having the right to feel sad. It’s not them that are going to leave. ˝You promised me a miracle, every kid should have their miracle, but not me obviously. It was gone for a year. One year! First time in my life, I thought this is it, I’m finally healthy, but no. I wished that I knew ‘cause I spent this year recovering. I can’t even run anymore ‘cause of my heart! ˝ You raised your voice. ˝ You told me that the surgery will help, you cut my damn heart, my lungs and now you are telling me it’s back and you can’t do anything about it! ˝  
˝Y/N, I’m so sorry. ˝ His voice was like a whisper. He rubbed his eyes, wiping away his tears. You regretted not letting dad drive you today, you told him that he should get used to on you being capable of doing everything alone. Your father still couldn’t get over your chemotherapy, during it, you were so weak that you couldn’t even move your body. You weren’t one of those who felt better after chemo, you were feeling sick all the time and your body become friable.  
˝I’m going to die? ˝ Your voice echoed through his office. He knew the answer and so did you. ˝Is it is going to hurt? ˝  
˝At the end, your lungs and your heart will probably be the first organs that will fail. You would have to be in the hospital so that we could make it easier for you. ˝ He finally collected himself, talking about your condition and not directly about you.  
˝It won’t be like that. ˝ You said and he raised his head his eyes meeting yours.  
˝No… Y/N/N that’s not… we talked about it, you can’t. ˝  
˝We did talk, Seven years ago when I was still a kid when I thought that I will be given a normal life. We all die every day a little, but I was dying a little bit more than you.˝


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years of fighting with illness, Reader decides to take her life into her own hands. - AU
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, talking about death, illness and suicide, blood, sad

As a child, you were intrigued by life, by all the wonders it brings, but not anymore. Not after witnessing the terror that it brought. Now it wasn’t the curiosity that leads you through the world, it was will for surviving. You wanted to feel alive, you wanted to convince yourself that it is not just a bad dream. Your time was running out and you couldn’t run, you couldn’t hide, all that you could, was to exist until the death comes for you. You never saw death as selfish, you thought that death was merciful. You saw it when your friend was dying, you were glad that death visited her that day, she was in so much pain, and she was only a child.   


  


It’s been three days since you came to Cornwall. When you stepped in the house you didn’t feel any attachment to it, you barely spent there more than a few hours in your life. You didn’t feel emotional about the house, but about the time you spent there. Your parents brought you there before you started your chemo treatments. In those few hours, you lay on the beach while the waves were crashing against your bare feet. You felt alive for the first time in your life, truly connected to the nature having your eyes closed. But it didn’t last long, that peace and serenity, it was taken away from you.

Grazing your finger over the kitchen counter you lost yourself in the moment struck by the beauty of the sunrise. The colors were starting just at the edge of the ocean. You stepped outside of your house walking towards the water. You didn’t even bother to close the door behind you. There was a pull in your heart towards the ocean. That feeling of peace settled in your mind so you let your legs to carry you closer.  When your bare feet touched the water your smile grow and you took two more steps. Sitting down your shorts got wet, but you didn’t even notice, lying down on your back. Your hair was getting wetter by every wave that crashed at the shore. Closing your eyes you inhaled deeply, feeling the salt in the air and gentle breeze on your skin. Your mind drifted away as you were thinking about the end. You tried to push those thoughts away, but you failed. Your tears were falling down your cheeks meeting the cold water around your body.   
˝I can do it…I’ll get through this, just calm down. Everything will be alright at the end, just a few more months and then I’ll see her again on the other side.˝ You kept telling yourself.

* * *

  


_Giggle escaped past your lips as Wanda kept dancing around your room._  
˝Stop it… You are not normal.˝ You laughed throwing your head on the soft bed as she jumped on the mattress.  
˝Don’t be like that Y/N/N. I finally feel better.˝ Wanda calmed down laying next to you. You both stayed silent for a few minutes just gazing at the blue ceiling with thousands of stars that you and your dad put there awhile ago.  
˝Do you think it will work?˝ You turned on the bed facing her. You were already crying.  
˝I hope so. No….˝ Wanda stopped for a moment wiping your tears. ˝….you know what Y/N/N, I don’t hope. I know it will work. Alright? You and me we will get through this. We will forever stay together.˝ Trying to suppress your tears you moved your hand over her. You hold her close. Wanda was two years older than you. She was fighting with cancer for five years, but doctors were optimistic about her. They hoped that chemo treatment will shrink the tumor and that they will be able to take it out then.   
˝Okay, stop. We didn’t come here to cry.˝ Wanda pulled away laying on her stomach prompted on the elbows, glancing your way. ˝Tell me, what will be the first thing you’ll do when you get better?˝  
˝I don’t know.˝ You tried to think of something, but nothing came on your mind.  
˝What?! You got to be kidding me. Nothing?˝ Her smile grows wider as she reached with her hand into the pocket of her hoodie. She pulled out a scrambled paper. Opening it you saw that there were a lot of things crossed with black ink, although it was written with blue.  
˝You can’t have that.˝ You never believed in bucket list’s which you presumed  she held in her hand.  
˝I can. Look this is my list. I’ll try to do everything on the list before I…˝  
˝But you won’t die, you said you were getting better.˝   
˝It’s tricky, it always was. That’s life. It brings you up, just so that you could fall lower. You need a bucket list.˝ She offered you the paper and you started reading out loud. In the middle of the list, you start laughing.  
˝Disney land, Disney world… Isn’t one enough?˝ She shrugged her shoulders. ˝You are a total idiot.˝ You couldn’t stop laughing.  
˝What would you write?˝  
˝Nothing. If I write something and I die, it will be another broken promise. And having a bucket list when you are sick, it feels like…. you list all the things on it, and you have to do them before you die. It’s like you already decided to die and I still didn’t.˝   
˝Y/N/N, we both know that sooner or later…˝ She looked at you. ˝….we are both going to die.˝

* * *

You remembered that day clearly, although you were younger than. At that age, kids go out, have fun, have tons of friends. But you didn’t need that, you had your best friend. You were growing up together and you were watching each other falling apart.   
Your thoughts were interrupted by a male voice that was getting closer. You tried to ignore it ‘cause they were probably talking to somebody else, you didn’t know anyone here so you stayed on the ground.  
˝Hey, are you okay?˝   
You cracked your eyes open looking at the man who was now standing over you.  
˝I’m fine.˝ You whispered, but he heard you. The sunlight was keeping you from seeing his face.  
˝Why are you lying here?˝ You forced yourself to open your eyes again.  
˝Because I can.˝ It came out rude, but you didn’t intend to be. It was the truth,   
˝Sorry for..˝ There was a slight of disappointment in his voice. You were really bad at conversations with people who weren’t your family or doctors. You grow up with movies and your best friend who knew you better than you knew yourself.   
˝I wasn’t being rude, I’m taking every chance that I have.˝  
You could hear him exhale and he sat down next to you.  
˝What is so special about lying in the water?˝   
˝Try and see.˝ He smiled at your words, but you missed it keeping your eyes closed. As he laid down next to you, you could hear his shallow breathing. ˝And close your eyes.˝  
You didn’t know who he was nor you cared, but you two stayed like that lying in the cold water while the sun was shining on you. You both opened your eyes as his phone rang. Sitting up you finally looked at him. He stayed down, his chest was rising and falling slowly and strands of his hair were wet as yours was too. He titled his head on the side looking at you.  
˝I’m Bucky Barnes.˝ He sat up offering you his hand. He was wearing red henley that defined his muscles.  
˝Y/N˝ You shook your hands and his smile grows wider, reaching his blue eyes.  
˝Just Y/N?˝  
˝Yeah, just Y/N.˝   
˝Do you do this often?˝ He moved his fingers through his hair.  
˝I wish. I came here three days ago. You?˝   
He chuckled. ˝This was my first time.˝  
˝I feel honored being with you during your first time.˝ You smiled, for the first time in awhile it wasn’t forced like it usually was in front of the other people. ˝But seriously, when did you come?˝  
˝I’ve been here for two weeks and I’ll stay for a few more months.˝  
˝Business or pleasure?˝ He chuckled and you spread your legs next to him. ˝Well it was supposed to be business, but now I’m thinking maybe both.˝   
˝You are awful.˝ You said giggling.   


  


And that was the start. Two people, two broken people were smiling at each other not seeing the cracks on one another.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years of fighting with illness, Reader decides to take her life into her own hands. - AU
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, talking about death, illness and suicide, blood, sad

_One second is enough to fell in love, one second is enough to find your match, but it’s also enough to lose your best friend.  
She was finally at rest, but it felt like she hasn’t left, not just yet. You could swear that you felt her presence next to you. You would even catch yourself talking to her while you were alone. You were grieving, you were broken. _

_As you got dressed you looked at yourself in the mirror. There was nothing on you that you could recognize. Eyes were red and puffy, the skin was pale and your nails were stained with blood. You didn’t see yourself in the mirror you saw a dead girl, something that you still couldn’t accept.  
When we grieve we tend to think that the loss hit as the hardest especially if we lost somebody really close to us. We tend to forget that we all grieve differently. Sometimes parents don’t even cry when they lose a child, they just can’t accept that they are gone. Sometimes sibling doesn’t even come to the funeral, staying at home wishing that they would wake up from the nightmare._

_˝Y/N, are you ready?˝Your mother asked softly as she watched you from the hallway._  
You wanted to say something, to make her feel better, but you couldn’t. You lowered your head and left your bedroom. You passed by your father entering the car. Sitting in the backseat you pulled the folded picture from your pocket and you smiled.  
˝You would hate this. The whole charade, people that you saw maybe once in your life standing at your grave. I wished that they listened to your words. I hope that it won’t affect you wherever you are. I know how..˝ You stopped talking as the car door opened and your mother sat down next to you. You folded the picture placing it back in your pocket.  
˝How are you doing, honey?˝ She pulled you closer to her, but still, you couldn’t answer her. You didn’t know how. You couldn’t understand what you were feeling. Where you sad because she is gone? Where you happy because she wasn’t in pain anymore? You didn’t know, so you said nothing.              
˝It’s not healthy to hold emotions inside, you have to talk about them  
You smiled sadly at here. ˝Talk can’t bring Wanda back.˝  
˝But it can help you move on.˝ Your father sad as he started the car.   
˝To move on? No, we don’t move on, we just pretend like they were never here.˝  
˝Y/N/N, you have to think before you say something like that.˝ You moved your body closer to the door leaning your head on the glass as your mother was talking.   
˝Is the truth. What about grandpa? You didn’t move on from him ‘cause you didn’t need a new father in your life, so why are you telling me to move on from my friend?˝  
˝You can’t talk with your mother like that!˝ Tears were slowly finding their way across your cheeks as you stared outside. It was raining. Such a cliche, funeral with the rain, could it be even more depressing?  
You stopped paying attention to what your parents were saying. When the car stopped you just kept your head on the glass.  
˝Y/N? Are you listening to me?˝ You glanced at your mother without saying a word. ˝Hurry up, we’ll be late.˝  
˝It’s not like she cares, she is dead. You care because of your reputation. Just leave me alone.˝  
˝Y/N/N, please…˝Your father said as he stared at you.  
˝No.˝ The only thing that you heard after was the door closing.   
Wanda would understand, she would always understand. She wouldn’t care if you are at home, or at her grave or stare at the picture taken on your good day. The good day for both of you. Your eyes drifted from the picture to the door that opened, but it wasn’t your parents. 

  


_˝They didn’t want to listen.˝ Wanda’s twin brother said as he sat next to you and closed the door. ˝She told them what she wanted, but they didn’t listen.˝ He was crying. He quickly removed his tie throwing it on the car floor. He gently took the picture from you._  
˝She was so happy that day.˝You broke the silence and he smiled.  
˝I know, it was one of those days that rarely came.˝ He sniffled moving his fingers through his silver hair.  
˝Are you going to keep it?˝  
˝I dyed it because of her, our parents almost killed me when I came home after school with silver hair, but she loved it. I did it to make her smile.˝ You were sitting closer to him.   
˝What happens now? Will she rest in peace?˝  
˝I wish that I could give you an answer, but…..I don’t know. Only thing that I know is that I’ll never forgive my parents for what they’ve done.˝ 

_And he didn’t. Pietro never forgave them and that was tearing him apart. He distanced himself from everything. He quit from hs running club, he would fight in school, getting in trouble. But it all ended when his parents sent him to boarding school, you never saw him again. You lost another piece of your best friend. At the end, you were left alone. In your own sorrow, in your grief._

_But as we grieve with time we heal, but we never forget. We can’t forget or we don’t let ourselves to forget. For some, the loss stays as a burden and for some as a picture in the locket, but it never leaves._

* * *

  


The day when you met Bucky Barnes became one of those days, a happy day. He was shy and awkward and you couldn’t stop giggling. He unlocked something inside you, he brought something to surface, but you knew that you shouldn’t get attached. It won’t last, you’ll be gone before he even finds out anything about you. But you were selfish, you let yourself to crave for something more.

˝So….˝ He stared at the ground as you stood in front of him.  
˝What?˝ You asked giggling. ˝Just say it, Buck.˝  
˝I know that it’s kinda late, but my friends are making this big family dinner tonight and…˝  
˝You want them to met me?˝ You asked while nervously fidgeting with your fingers.  
˝Yeah, I know we met two days ago, but why wait? You’re nice and my friends like nice people.˝   
˝Realy?˝  
˝Yeah.˝ He said looking in your eyes.  
˝Just because I’m nice?˝ He nodded, blushing. ˝I’m pretty sure that you took strays to your home every day.˝  
˝Actually, my sister did that.˝ You could see a smile on his face before he turned around and started walking. ˝Are you coming?˝  
You quickly followed. ˝What’s her name?˝  
˝Becca.˝  
˝She is a lucky girl having you for a brother.˝ He didn’t say anything after it, so you stayed quiet.  
We all carried demons with us, and you wondered was his sister one of his. ‘Cause you saw it in his eyes, a spark died for a moment, sadness came over his face. It was the look that you saw many times. It was a curse, curse of staying behind after your loved one dies.  
You walked in silence and you stopped in front of a beach house. It looked cozy and you could hear laughs and a lot of voices from inside.  
˝I have to warn you.˝ He placed his hand on the doorknob turning to you. ˝They can be handful.˝  
˝Well…I hope so˝ You said placing your hand on his.   
 You were never a fan of being in the center of attention, but now a few pairs of eyes were settled on you.  
˝Guys, this is Y/N, Y/N this are Ste…˝ As his friends were coming closer, someone familiar caught your eyes, a boy from the past with silver hair.   
˝Pietro?˝

They say that when something is meant to happen it will happen. They say that you can’t escape from faith. Actually, people say a lot of things, but this wasn’t like something that people said. You knew it, it was like what Wanda said.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years of fighting with illness, Reader decides to take her life into her own hands. - AU
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, talking about death, illness and suicide, blood, sad

_**Pietro’s POV** _

_Empty. He felt empty. A part of him died and he couldn’t continue to live. His sister, an anchor that kept him sane. She was the optimistic one, she was the dreamer and he always saw himself as her protector. Now, she was gone and there was nobody to protect. He did care about you, but seeing you without his sister felt the same as someone stabbing him in the heart._

_He wanted her back, he wanted to hear her laugh and see her smile, she was his light, his baby sister. Now, he had nothing only an empty room full of memories of her short life. She deserved better, she deserved more, he knew that. He used to stay awake at night praying to God to take him instead of his sister, but God didn’t listen, or he just didn’t care. His mother told him that God missed Wanda and that’s why he took her back, but Pietro knew better. He stopped praying after her death, he stopped believing and he started to fall apart. Piece by piece, second at the time. He tried to go back to school, but it felt like he wasn’t even there. He would walk through hallways alone, without her by his side. He would hear girls laughing and he would instantly run away, knowing that he would never see her again. His parents didn’t even notice, or they just tried to look away. He was still there their son, but their own grieve consumed them, not noticing that their child was dying inside.  
He thought about it from the moment she died. He thought about taking his own life, but he wanted to be strong for his parents. After weeks of trying to be strong, he broke down. He took the pills from his mother’s cabinet. He sipped them all in his palm and he needed only one second of being brave enough to take them and he did. He swallowed the pills laying on Wanda’s bed. He wanted her face to be the last thing that he will see on this side. He closed his eyes with a small smile on his face hoping to see his sister on the other side._

* * *

  


 

_A few years later_

_Pietro sat with his head low waiting for the meeting to start. He joined the support group after he left boarding school, it wasn’t a large group around six people. He didn’t have anyone to talk to. His parents were like strangers to him and he didn’t want to bother you to reopen the old wounds. He hoped that you were getting better. His parents told him that you were still the same, but that you are thinking about surgery in a year or two when your body will be stronger._  
˝Pietro?˝ He looked up seeing all eyes on himself. ˝Would you like to start today?˝ Daisy spoke. She was a nice person with big heart, she always tried to make everyone comfortable, before asking them to open about what happened. She lost her mother a few years ago and she understood the pain of everyone that was there. Pietro took a deep breath before speaking.   
˝It’s been years since she died, but the feeling is still the same, my heart…it’s just…˝ Pietro stopped for a moment lowering his head. His hands were shaking and he didn’t know what to do. At least he spoke more than the last time.  
˝It’s alright, just take it slow.˝ Daisy said. ˝She was your twin sister, Wanda right?˝ Pietro nodded and sniffled. ˝Who was older?˝ Daisy asked trying to get him to talk about her as she was there.  
˝I was..˝ He whispered.  
˝What was your favorite memory from when you were kids?˝ Daisy asked smiling when Pietro finally lifted his head.  
˝When we were eleven. I remember sitting next to Wanda while she was at hospital for chemo threatmant….she…˝He licked his dry lips, exhaling loudly. ˝She would get anxious and scared and I never knew what to do. I would bring her toys, book, but nothing worked. One day her best friend walked in the room with the big smile on her face. Wanda and I were just staring at her as she giggled like crazy. We didn’t know what was happening, but then I saw that something was moving inside her sweater and then she unzipped it. She held a puppy in her arms. When I turned to Wanda she had the biggest smile that I’ve ever seen. That’s one of the best days she had.˝  
˝Did you stayed in touch with her friend? It would be easier for…˝  
Pietro cut her off quickly. ˝No, she is also sick. Her parents thought that she will die before her twelfth birthday, but she is stronger than she looks.˝  
˝Why don’t you talk with her?˝ Daisy was persistent she thought that it would help him to talk with someone to whom his sister meant as much as to him. She knew that his parents were distant, so that girl was probably the only person who could really understand him.  
˝Because she will die!˝ Pietro lost it and he quickly headed for the door, he could hear Daisy apologizing, but he didn’t stop until he was outside. He sat on the stairs and lightened up a cigaret, taking a long drag.  
˝Are you okay?˝ Pietro looked up hearing an unknown voice. He saw a guy around his age with short brown hair looking at him.  
˝Yeah…maybe˝  The guy sat next to Pietro in silence. ˝Who did you lost?˝ Pietro asked. He could see the sadness in the blue eyes of a stranger.  
˝My baby sister.˝

* * *

**Normal POV** _  
_

˝How are you doing Y/N/N?˝ Pietro asked sitting next to you on the wooden fence just outside the house.  
˝Alright.˝ You said simply looking at the sand under your feet.  
˝Alright? Like you are not sick anymore, or like you just want this conversation to end ?˝  
You forced yourself to look up. His blue eyes were staring at you and you reached towards his hair, gently moving your finger through it. ˝It would make her smile to see that you still have the same color.˝  
˝Y/N….˝His voice was soft and he put his finger under your chin so that you would look him in the eyes. ˝How are you?˝  
You didn’t know what to say. He was your friend and now you were thinking about lying to him. You didn’t even notice the tears that were falling down your cheeks until he wiped them with his thumb.  
˝A year?˝ You knew what he was asking so you stayed silent. ˝Six months?˝ You just stared in his eyes. He was too scared to ask again, but he did ˝Five months?˝  
˝Eleven weeks˝ You whispered and he swallowed the lump in his throat.  
˝Does he know?˝  
˝No. I just met him when I got here. He’ll be alright, won’t even notice when I’m gone.˝ You stood up grabbing your shoes and walking away. You stopped when you felt Pietro’s hand on your upper arm.  
˝What?˝ Pietro was taken aback with the harsh tone of your voice. ˝You left Pete. You think that I didn’t care for her as you did? You didn’t have any right in fighting with others just because you were grieving?˝  
˝What are you talking about?˝ Pietro stared at you confused.  
˝Your fights in school, the reason that your parents sent you away. I needed you.˝ You turned around to walk away, but you stopped again hearing his voice, barely a whisper.  
˝I tried to kill myself.˝

* * *

It’s sad what happens to those who grieve. It’s painful and ugly, but you barely hear about it. You never hear that somebody killed themselves because they wanted to reunite whit their loved ones or because the part of them was dead. Mostly you heard that they killed them self because they were too weak or that they were just seeking for the attention. But it doesn’t matter the reason, they still did it. 

The person who you saw as the strongest one was standing in front of you with his heart in his hands that was barely beating. You planned everything that you’ll do when the symptoms come back, you thought about who you were leaving behind, but you never thought in what state will your death leave them.

Will they stay alive grieving for you or will they follow to be with you?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years of fighting with illness, Reader decides to take her life into her own hands. - AU
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, talking about death, illness and suicide, blood, sad

**Bucky’s POV**

_He was different from the start. A drop of the ink in the blue ocean, so it was meant for him to became a part of the said ocean. He tends to do the thing in his own way, other kids wouldn’t even spear him a second glance, but he never noticed. He lived in his own little world where only his sister was welcomed and sometimes his friend Steve. Becca was four years younger than him, she was his best friend. They were both brilliant and they could understand each other without explaining them selfs which they had to do with other kids. They never thought that one day they’ll become just a part of statistics on somebody’s computer. He didn’t know that he’ll have to become the part of the world that scared him, but he did.  
_

_˝Bucky!˝ He heard his sisters screams and he forced himself to open his eyes. He could bearly hear anything there was buzzing in his head and he could feel something dripping from his ear. Looking on his right side he saw his sister covered with her own blood sitting half conscious in the crashed car with him. He tried to reach towards her, but he couldn’t move his hand, he couldn’t move any part of his body, he was too tired._  
˝Becca, stay awake.˝ He forced himself to speak although it was hard for him to even to breathe. He could feel liquid rising in his thought while watching his sister closing her eyes.  
˝Mom…..te…to stay…awake..˝ But his mother didn’t answer, he couldn’t even see her. The only thing he could see was her limp hand next to her seat, he wasn’t aware that she passed away during the impact. His eyes were watery as blood started dripping from his mouth. He heard silent sounds around him, but nothing more. The only thing he remembered that his sister was limp next to his side. 

_  
_

_˝James? Do you hear me?˝ He could hear buzzing sound and he felt somebody’s hand on his. He tried to open his eyes, but he couldn’t. Even the smallest movement was too hard for him to make._  
˝James?˝ He heard the unknown voice, again. ˝If you can hear me squeeze my hand.˝  
˝Are there any changes?˝ Other voice asked.  
˝No, but he should be awake in a few hours.˝  
˝God, it’s so sad. I don’t even know how to tell him that his whole family is dead. He is so young.˝  
Bucky’s heart beats started to drop as he heard the news. He lost everything, he has no one left. He was alone. 

_  
_

_˝You are doing great James.˝ The nurse said as he squeezed the little ball with his left-hand feeling pain in his muscles. He almost lost his arm because the other car crashed into his side of the car. His hand was smashed, but the arm didn’t even bother him. It has been just over a month since he lost his family and the worst part was that they transplanted his sisters lungs to him. He felt guilty, confused._  
˝How are you feeling?˝ She asked and he just stared at the wall in front of him. He barely talked and he was completely lost. After the accident, his friend’s mother took him in, but he hasn’t talked to them. He would just sit on a bed the whole day trying to forget. The memory was to painfull to be left alive so he tried to bury it. He tried, but he didn’t succeed. He didn’t go to school, he lost two years during high school. He was supposed to be the best student always knowing every answer, but what nobody knew was that he still had the answers on the almost every question, but he was too deep in his own mind to even answer.

* * *

**Normal POV**   


After the talk with Pietro, you felt torn apart and selfish. Time has passed, but it felt like it was yesterday. You made the decision without putting anyone you knew into consideration. For a moment when you were making a decision, you forgot about the pain you felt after losing Wanda. You were angry at yourself, but you tried to stay calm and you tried to hide the truth from Bucky. You grow close over almost two months. The guilt inside you only grew with every day, but you tried to make excuses for yourself. But it became even harder after he told you about what happened to his hand. You tried to look at your relationship like the relationship with two people who are living on the borrowed time, only that yours would expire much sooner than his.

˝Do you believe in faith, Bucky?˝ You asked one night while both of you were lying on the beach watching stars.  
˝I’m not sure. I don’t even think that there’s something like faith, it sounds unreal.˝ Bucky turned his head to the side looking at you.   
˝I think there is. If I haven’t come here and met you, I would never see my childhood friend ever again.˝ You finally glanced at him and you saw a smile on his face.  
˝Maybe you would, there’s always time.˝ He reached for your hand intertwining your fingers, and that simple gesture made you smile, but deep down it made you feel even more guilty.  
˝No. I know that I wouldn’t, but that’s not the only thing why I’m glad that I’m here.˝  
˝Really?˝ His smile was bigger than before reaching his eyes.  
˝Yeah. I finally got to spend a day on a beach.˝ You smirked at his now pouting face.  
˝And nothing else?˝  
˝Nope.˝ You said looking back at the sky, but it didn’t take him long to place his hand on your shoulder coming closer to you. He gently put his finger on your chin tracing your jaw and leaning in. He stopped just a few inches away from your face waiting for you to close the distance, which you did. It was your first kiss with him, somebody would say that it should’ve had happened just a few days after you met, but it didn’t. It took you and him more than a month to make that step, although you’ve been seeing each other every day. Everything with you two was different, you were moving slowly enjoying every little moment because you knew that for you those first moments are going to be your last.  
And at the end of every day spent with him you would find yourself alone in your bed, crying yourself to sleep. He was perfect, you two could talk about everything and nothing and you wouldn’t even notice that hours were passing by. He made you feel things you’ve never felt before and that’s why you were falling apart inside faster than before. The only thing that you hoped for was that he won’t hate you after you leave. You want him to save you in his mind as a good memory with nothing bad close to it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years of fighting with illness, Reader decides to take her life into her own hands. - AU
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, talking about death, illness and suicide, blood, sad

When we lose something it’s always hard for us to find it again. Sometimes we don’t and we just move on and sometimes we got lucky enough to find what we have lost. Bucky lost a lot of things in his life, but not the material kind. He lost hope and he thought that he will never find it again. Now, after just two months even before, he knew that he was wrong. He found it in you. He was certain in his feelings he was certain in a lot of things about you, but unsure in one.

Do you love him as much as he loves you?

Bucky woke up startled by the heavy drops hitting his window. He let out a deep breath disappointed in the weather. You and he were supposed to go to the beach today and now you will probably cancel. Turning over in his bed he pulled off the thin blanket of his body, immediately met with cold air.

Pulling his hoodie over head he grabbed his phone and went downstairs to eat something. He was surprised by the smell of bacon.

˝Morning.˝, Steve said not even turning around.

˝Mornin'˝, Bucky sat on the stole in front of Steve. There was already placed a plate for him and Bucky started eating.  He kept his head down trying to focus on the food while he could feel Steve’s eyes on him. It was getting more annoying as the minutes past. Finally, he looked up.

˝What?˝

˝Nothin'˝, Steve shrugged his shoulders moving his gaze to his plate.

˝It can’t be nothing. It has to be something.˝ Bucky placed his palms on the table waiting for Steve to continue.

˝I just…˝, Steve cleared his throat looking back at Bucky. ˝What are you doing, Bucky?˝

˝What do you mean?˝

˝You and Y/N. I understand that you like her, but you have to know that we are going to leave soon. What happens then?˝ Steve was genuinely worried about Bucky. He patiently waited for him to answer. He didn’t even look away when Pietro walked in soaked to the bones with two grocery bags. Pietro just nodded at both of them leaving the bags at the counter. He was ready to go to his room, but he stopped at the bottom of the stairs when he heard Bucky’s voice.

˝Steve, she’s the one.˝ Pietro cursed silently storming to his room. He was mad. You and Bucky were both his friends and knowing that you are lying to Bucky is breaking him.

* * *

  


 

˝Hey, I’m so sorry, but I wanted to see you.˝, you said after opening the doors to Bucky who was pretty much wet from the rain. He just smiled placing a kiss on your cheek. ˝Well, come in.˝

Bucky walked in seeing that you already placed popcorns on the table in front of the coach and some other junk food. ˝Wait here, I’ll bring you some dry clothes.¨

˝I don’t think that anything yours would fit me.˝

˝You are lucky because some people leave things behind when they leave.˝ , you walked away from him going into the guest room where you could’ve sworn you saw some sweatpants and shirts.

After throwing thing from the closet, you finally found sweatpants that could fit him and an old college shirt from the college you never heard of. Quickly grabbing the clothes you went to the bathroom on the way to Bucky just to bring him a towel for his hair.

˝This should fit.˝, handing him dry clothes you sat on the couch giving him the privacy to change.

He quickly joined you on the couch with a towel hanging over his shoulder.

˝I’m hoping that you’re not regretting coming here.˝, you said quietly. You knew that he liked you, but bringing him to your house while there was pouring rain outside was a bit selfish from your side.

˝No.˝, Bucky shook his head. He didn’t care if it was raining outside or was it sunny. He wanted you in his arms and now he has you. ˝I want to be here. You know…˝, nervously he scratched the back of his neck. ˝…here with you.˝

Pressing your palm on his cheek you leaned in just a few inches away from him. Bucky didn’t waste his time closing the distance between you both. Sneaking his hands around your waist you took the opportunity to straddle him. Bucky groaned into the kiss feeling your body pressing into him. Pulling from the kiss you suck onto his bottom lip. Bucky moved his hand from your hip to your bare skin under your shirt. He was surprised that you didn’t stop him, instead, you were kissing his neck moaning, feeling his cold touch on your skin. Encouraged by your soft voice he placed his fingers on your ribs just below your bra.

˝Are you alright with this?˝, he asked when you moved your lips from his skin.

˝Yeah. I just…˝, you looked down feeling bare in front of him, although you haven’t lost any article that you wore.

˝We don’t have to do anything.˝, he cut you off. The last thing he wanted was for you to feel uncomfortable.

˝No, I’m good. Just a little scared.˝

˝Are you…˝, he didn’t even finish his question as you hide your face in the crook of his neck. ˝Look at me.˝

Hesitantly you brought your head up staring into his eyes. ˝Don’t do that.˝

˝What?˝, Bucky watched you with furrowed brows. ˝What did I do?˝

˝Don’t treat me like I’m a child.˝

˝I didn…˝

You didn’t even let him finish his sentence. ˝I want this with you.˝

˝Are you sure?˝,  he asked again.

˝Shut up, Barnes.˝, you smiled kissing him again. He let himself to love you, he let you in his heart not even knowing how little time you have. If he knew maybe he would go even slower. He would take your clothes with more gentle moves, let his lips linger on your skin for longer just to savor the moment, but he didn’t know. From your perception, he was gentle and put all of his attention on you. He gently pressed his body against yours as he made love to you. Maybe it sounds crazy to you, but you could see in his eyes how much he loves you and cares about you. So, after he pulled you next to him with his strong arms around you and his bare chest against your back you let your tears to fall on the pillow beneath your head. You were broken and you let yourself too broke someone else in the process of trying to ignore your illness.

So maybe it was punishment or maybe you just weren’t lucky. The first thing that you noticed when you woke up wasn’t heat from Bucky’s body and wasn’t his arms around you. No, it was dried blood on your pillow. Your heart almost stopped and you thought to yourself maybe you were just cursed. Never in your life happiness stayed by your side for long. It always wane, it always breaks you when it disappears in the thin air. The tears that you would let to fall after is gone, the curses that would say never change anything.  Always, you would find yourself in the bigger mess than before.

As you were trying to move the pillow away from the bed you asked yourself is it worth it. Is it worth to have one great moment followed by chaos?

Slowly moving away from his body you placed the pillow under the bed and you quickly went to the bathroom. You stared at your reflection there was blood everywhere. Dried around your nostrils, and going all the way to your chin. Your lips were red with it and you were on the verge of crying. You could remember as you would joke after something like this just to make your mom laugh. You would say that you went on the night hunt running through the forest, feeling free. In that moment you needed her to hold you.

It wasn’t your intention, but after a quick shower you got dressed and left Bucky in your bed. You needed your mom to hold you. Just to tell you that everything will be alright even if that was a lie, even if you die tomorrow you need to know that today, everything will be alright.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years of fighting with illness, Reader decides to take her life into her own hands. - AU
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, talking about death, illness and suicide, blood, sad

 

 

_Death._

_The scariest word among them all, but not as scary as life._

People think that it’s easy to die, but hard to live, but they don’t understand. You cannot run away from death. It always catches you. So, when you think living is hard, just remember the only reason why you live is so that you wouldn’t die. When you try your hardest to live you are trying hardest to stay alive.

_Aren’t you afraid of the Death? Doesn’t it make you shiver under its cold touch when you know it’s near? Doesn’t it freeze the blood in your body knowing that it’s breathing in the back of your neck?_

It scared you but still amazed you. You and the Death have been friends for a while. Being on the edge of the cliff for so long with only hers company. You were never free. Never could get far away, but it gave you at least some mercy at the end. It gave you a little time so that you could see what the life actually is.   
Maybe you were her favorite because she held you so close to her through all those years. But maybe the Death is just death. Maybe it doesn’t have any bigger meaning. It’s not a person, it’s just nothing. Just void after life.

 

* * *

 

At the end, you made rush decisions. You didn’t stick with your plan, although you wanted to die with dignity you couldn’t. You couldn’t force yourself to leave your parents, your family. So, you stayed with them till you couldn’t breathe on your own. Your mother held you tight not leaving your side, she didn’t even let a tear trying to be strong for you. But your father was different, he couldn’t even enter your room without crying. Your whole life he was your rock and now he was broken, lost.

You never saw Bucky again from the day you left, only on the pictures that you stared at for hours. You often found yourself thinking did he hate you or not. You would never find out if it would be better for both of you if you were honest at the beginning. You knew that it would be definitely better for him, but you were scared of being rejected. Thinking that you had every right to feel normal for the first time in your life you didn’t think about his feelings although you loved him.

While you were still in the condition to write you wrote him a letter, just to him. You never send it, it was your way of saying goodbye to him. To everyone else, you said it in person so you needed a way to tell him how much he meant to you.

Every day, till your last, you told yourself that he would be alright that he didn’t care that much and that he will forget about you, but you weren’t right.

* * *

**Four months later**

Bucky never got his answer. He never knew what happened to the girl he met by the sea. As fast as she came into his life she disappeared in the same way. Pietro told him something that should’ve been his answer on why you left him, but he didn’t accept it. He wouldn’t believe in the fact that you just left because you wanted it that it was what you do. He didn’t know that the words Pietro was telling him were the words you told Pietro when he came visit you in the hospital. You allowed him only one visit because you didn’t want him to suffer as he suffered while watching his sister die. At the end of the visit, you gave him Wanda’s bucket list that you keep all these years. You crossed some of the things and you made him promise you that he will cross everything else.  
Bucky tried to move on with his life, to forget about the girl he fell in love, but every day you were the only thing on his mind. Until the day he faced the truth.

 

˝I’m telling you that’s not what happened.˝, Sam said raising his voice at Bucky.  
˝You should get over it. She won’t call you back.˝, Bucky sat at the large glass table in the conference room. They had a lot of things to do, but Sam was too lazy at the moment. He couldn’t stop talking about the girl he met at the bar.  
˝She will, I’m telli…˝, when Sam stopped talking Bucky raised his head to see what finally made him shut up. Sam was staring behind Bucky’s shoulder through the glass walls. ˝Is Stark our client?˝, Sam asked, but Bucky didn’t answer he turned around in his chair looking at Tony and Pepper Stark standing at the reception. ˝Are they?˝  
˝No.˝  
˝Maybe this is because of their daughter…˝, Sam stopped talking feeling sorry for Stark’s family.  
Bucky turned back to Sam confused. He knew who Stark is, but he was never the one for the gossips. He knew that he had a daughter, but he didn’t know anything about her. She was probably very different from Stark because he would see his face on the front pages of tabloids almost every day, but he never saw his daughter.   
˝She died two, almost three months ago.˝, Sam continued.  
˝An accident or something?˝, Bucky asked placing his pen on the table. Sam didn’t have any time to answer when the door opened. Natasha stood by the door looking nervous, which was really unusual for her.  
˝Bucky, Tony Stark wants to talk with you.˝  
Bucky stood from his chair not knowing why would he need to talk with him. He was working at the insurance company and he was sure that Stark didn’t have anything to do with his company. He walked past Natasha to the couple that was waiting for him. After the introduction, they all went to Bucky’s office where Bucky uncomfortably sat in his chair staring at them. As they were sitting he noticed that they didn’t wear wedding rings. Obviously, the marriage didn’t survive the loss. When Bucky was ready to say something, Pepper squeezed Tony’s hand and whispered him something on the verge of tears. She quickly excused herself leaving them alone. Tony stood from his chair walking to the glass windows behind Bucky. He started talking without looking at him.  
˝I lost someone.˝  
Bucky didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything observing the man in front of him.  
˝She was someone special to me and if I could I would change my life for hers.˝, Tony turned around showing his face to Bucky who was still confused on what was happening.  
˝That’s my favorite picture.˝, Tony said motioning to the screen saver on Bucky’s monitor. There was a picture of you smiling at the camera, well smiling at the man behind it. You looked happy on the picture, your hair was slightly wet and your face was red from the sun, but you had the biggest smile your father has ever seen. When you came back to America you gave your parents pictures from England. You wanted them to know that you were happy, at least for a while.  
˝What?˝, Bucky thought that he heard him wrong. He hoped so because if he didn’t that would crush him. Tony stepped closer to him pulling out a white envelope. Bucky could see his name written on it and he recognized your handwriting. ˝Is this some sick joke?˝  
˝I wish it was Mr. Barnes. She wanted me to give you this if you ever come looking for her, but you never did. At first, I wanted to meet you, to thank you for making her happy, but now I just want to punch you in the face.˝  
Bucky didn’t even notice that he was crying as Tony placed the envelope on his table.  
˝Did she..˝, Bucky swallowed the lump in his thought.˝ Did she suffer?˝  
Tony smiled sadly turning towards the door. ˝She suffered every day of her short life. Hopefully, she is at peace now.˝

* * *

It’s been two weeks since Tony gave Bucky your letter. Still, it stood unopened next to your picture on his nightstand. He wanted to open it, but he couldn’t. Just as he couldn’t get up from his bed. Never in his life, he thought that somebody who he knew for a little over two months could affect him so much. You gave him hope and he felt loved in your arms and now he didn’t know what to do. He wished that your father never came to him. He would rather remember you as a girl who loved to listen to the waves crashing on the shore although she broke his heart leaving him than a girl whose every new experience was her last. The girl who will never grow old going through the old pictures looking at her memories.

What he wanted the most was for you to be alive. He wanted you next to him, sharing your secrets falling asleep in each other’s arms, but he will never have that. He will never have you again and although he wants to open the letter he can’t. No word that was written inside could bring you back. The only thing that could be in the letter is you telling him that you are sorry for lying to him or you telling him to move on, but what ever it was he wasn’t ready to find out, not just yet.

* * *

 


End file.
